The moment I was born, I was different. With my innocent cry, my mom smiled and my dad laughed because they thought I was a normal creature just the way they wanted. I grew up thinking I was the same with my parents, but I am not. There comes a time of self-realization.
The moment I know I am attracted to men, I think it is because I have not found the right one. However, I hate the fact that I cannot hide my lie to myself. I’ve always known it’s a lie, a lie that I used to comfort myself for being so different from people around me. Even I am close with my parents, I am not. Deep down inside me, I know there is a huge gap dividing them from me. Maybe, it’s the gap of fear. Probably, it’s the gap of abhorrence. Perhaps, it’s the gap of ignorance. Still, I have to pretend I am a normal human being to the outside world. With my friends, I would talk about girls. With my parents, I would talk about being a good son not falling in love with any girls. Must I pretend to be someone I don’t know for all time?
Though I look happy, I am not. I am afraid of the future. When I think about the future, all I see is dark oblivion. Must I break a girl’s heart by marrying her without loving her? Must I follow my obligation though I’ve longing for passion? Whenever I hope to find a man of my dream, I feel like I don’t deserve him. Sometimes, I would cry because of my being different from everyone. Every night, I would ask myself if I could ever find someone who sees the something beautiful in me. Every single hours, I ask myself if I am good enough. Every day, I ask myself if it would get better.
Sometimes, all I think about is being dead, so I don’t have to live in my despair. It is better just end my life here so I don’t ruin my image in my parents’ eyes. This way, my parents think of me as their normal dear child, not a black sheep. With death, I don’t have to live in this hell pretending someone I am not. With death, I don’t have to cry myself to sleep every night. With death, there will be no feeling of pain and suffering. In suicidal thoughts, I seek comfort because it always calms me down solving my problems. Although there is a voice inside my head telling me to do it, I hate the fact that I am not able to do it. I am weak. I remember how I would cry whispering, “I am sorry. I’ve always been a good son, but let me be selfish just this one time. I promise I will never be selfish again.” but I never have a courage to do it.
Now, I have found the answer to my question: life does get better. At first, I thought no one accepted me, but I was wrong. My friends turn out to be so supportive and they accept me for who I really am. I feel like a fool for overthinking and stressing myself. My friends have never made me feel like an outcast at all, and I’m really glad to have these people in my life. Since I come out to them, I have met lots of amazing people—people who really inspire me, people who are the same as me, people who love me for me, and a person who makes my world a fairy tale.
It is unbelievable that life itself is magical. I’ve met someone who makes me smile for no reasons. With his touch, I can feel the warmth I’ve been longing for. With his stare, I can see he sees something beautiful in me—something I’ve never seen in myself before. With his voice, I can hear the beautiful rhythm in his tone, which is the only music I’ve never tired of listening. With his smile, I can feel the happiness I have not been feeling since my life removes all of my innocence. With his embrace, I can feel his care about me—someone I’ve been neglecting for so long. With his presence, my life is filled with endless wonder; and for the first time in my life, I find a hope to live—a hope that makes life worth living. For the first time in my life, I know I am not different, but unique. He is my courage I’ve lost during my childhood. He is my voice that used to be tamed. He is my curiosity I have forgotten. He is the inspiring dream I once gave up. He is my adoration stolen by my life. He is my hope I live for.
With him in my mind, I decide to get out of my closet I’ve been living since childhood. Tear is streaming down my face as I see my parents’ perplexing faces. I could not speak a word. After a few moment, I have collected myself and the first sentence comes out of my mouth. I am gay. Although it’s just a three-word sentence, it is something I am afraid to say. Although it’s only a few seconds, I feel like forever as I vividly remember how disappointed I am seeing their expressions change. Their faces grow red, and they start shouting at me. Everything around me darken, and I almost collapse. I feel like I am about to vomit, but soon everything turns to normal. Still continuing yelling, I can feel the disillusionment in me. I don’t know how long they are cursing and yelling, but it feels like the time has stopped. Finally, they have made it clear that they don’t want anything to do with me if I choose to be gay. With this, I leave them with a goodbye, but nothing from them in return. This is not my home after all.
I am not sad nor angry, but I can feel a pang of disappointment inside my heart. The parents I’ve loved for so long don’t accept me for who I am. Their love for me is conditional. They love me for who I am unless I am gay. This is not love, but dream. They dream of who they want me to be, and they don’t love me for someone I truly am. Although, I stop considering them as my parents, but I still have a little hope that they will contact me in the future. However, it’s just my foolish dream. I have to keep focus on what I have right now.
Frankly, if I were to choose my sexuality, I would still choose to be gay. If I were straight, I wouldn’t have become who I am today. If I were straight, I wouldn’t have become this strong. If I were straight, I wouldn’t have met a perfect person who illuminates my world. If I were straight, I wouldn’t have been able tell you my story. Being gay is a part of who I am. I need to embrace myself because I’ve hated myself for so long. Life without my parents is not good; but better because I finally have to spend my remaining life with a person so dear to me, and people supporting and accepting me. I am glad I didn’t take away my life because I wouldn’t have seen my life get better were I to do so.
“Love is stronger than the pressure to be perfect.”
Note: The feature image is taken from the most heartbreaking and inspiring video on Youtube. Click here.