When Machine Lives

I am a humanoid, and I think there’s a flaw in my code.

He flashes his smile at me, but I know it is not for me. He must be thinking about his girlfriend, which makes him lose himself in his own reverie again. With his tuxedo on, he is the most handsome man I’ve ever known. I think he has an important event this evening. Anyway, it doesn’t matter since my duty is to give him my warm smile in return. It makes me sad a little. No matter how excited or happy I am, he never feels it because my voice is monotonous; and I do not show any expressions. I am just an emotionless robot. Hurriedly, he puts on his watch and leaves the house. Before he achieves his action, I give him a farewell and wish him a great night. However, he doesn’t say anything in return. It is okay because I am accustomed to his being cold.

I am designed to be a maiden humanoid—the humanoid that lessens the burden of nowadays’ people’s household maintenance. So far, technology has yet to find a way to perfect my appearance with realistic human-like skin, and it has yet to give me the privilege to show my facial expression. I am constructed to do, not to feel. I am built to serve, not to live. One may think it’s sad, but it’s not. Once you get used to this life and accept the reality, you won’t eventually find any iota of reasons to be sad about. Maybe, is it because I do not compare like humans always do?

After he’s gone, everything seems so calm. Quickly, I drop the vacuum cleaner and make my way into his bedroom. In there, I can identify his smell mingled with his cologne he wore a few minutes ago. Slowly, I turn on a side-bed lamp illuminating the room with its dim light. Carefully, I pick up his photo from his desk and look at it. He was shirtless in his summer shorts at a crowded beach. I can see his maze-like abs protruding from his stomach, and his chest is very well-built. Complimenting his well-trained body are his strong muscular arms, which makes everything about him so perfect. In the picture, he revealed his beauty smile—the smile I will never receive. He was with Sarah, his girlfriend he’s dating for 2 years now. She was black-haired and brown-eyed. Her complexion is gorgeous with her tanned skin. She has the perfect smile as bright as John did, and her physique was so curvy, which makes me jealous. Shifting my whole attention from Sarah, I stare at John. I don’t know how long I look at his stunning smile, but I feel like it’s an eternity. Suddenly, my positronic brain reminds me that I have a task to do. With care, I put down the photo, turn off the light, and leave the room making sure I don’t leave any trace.

After I am done with all my tasks, I charge myself and wait for him. It’s about 1 AM when I hear the footsteps on the other side of the door. I listen closely, and to my disappointment, he has someone with him. So, I decide to pretend to be sleeping in the dark living room, which is how I should behave. I should go into my sleeping mode as soon as I finish every tasks I am supposed to do. In a few seconds, the door slams open and the people came in. It’s him and his girlfriend closing the door behind them and staggering through the dark living room. They are a little bit drunk because they keep laughing and say funny things that I cannot recognize. With my night vision, I can see that they start to kiss each other. There is something inside me that I cannot fathom. I cannot describe the feeling and it is not the first time I feel it. It is the same feeling when I know John is thinking about his girlfriend. Pausing their passionate kiss, Sarah leans down and takes off my master’s tuxedo. Then she proceeds unbuttoning his shirt unprevailing his smooth attractive body. Still, she is not yet satisfied, so she untangles his belt and unzip his pants. While she is doing so, my owner takes off his shoes before starting stripping her. To me, this is my first time seeing such scene, but I think I enjoy the show. At last, they both are in their underwear, but that doesn’t stop them from roughly kissing each other. However, there is something confusing me, for I see a hard object slowly taking its shape under my owner’s underwear. Is it something people call male reproductive organ? But, before I can see what it looks like, they enter the bedroom closing the door behind them, and everything is peaceful again.

That night, I cannot sleep. My memory is so vivid, and I cannot forget even if I want to. I am sad. Is that how people are supposed to feel? Are happy and excited the feeling every creature experience? Am I a human after all? However, I cannot understand why I can’t stand seeing John with his girlfriend. Sometimes, I wish I were a real human so that he can treat me better. To him, I am unattractive with the metals covering the wiring system inside my body. To him, I am just a robot he treats like a slave. I hope one day that he treats me the way he treats the other fellow human being. Am I selfish to ask for that? Sometimes, I question my existence. Am I created to be his slave for the rest of my life? Sometimes, I am afraid what the future will bring. Will I witness John’s death with my own eyes? I cannot imagine life without him because since I was created, he is the only human beings I’ve served as master. Despite how he treats me, I am still happy to see him every morning. Despite how he treats me, I still think I am lucky to serve him. Despite how he treats me, I am glad I love him. Love? What is love? Is it the wonderful feeling I get to see John every day? I think it is because I have been feeling this way for a year now. Perhaps, I love him after all. But I should not feel this way because I am not supposed to feel. Is there a flaw in my code? Must I confess my feeling for him, or must I pretend to be an emotionless artificial intelligence all the time?

I must confess to him. But in human’s culture, one must have something to give to his partner when he confesses his love. I’ve seen John gave Sarah a bunch of roses and she really loved it. I had been analyzing why he chose the rose. Maybe, he thought it’s beautiful, and probably it is because rose and human are living things. That’s why people feel connected with roses, but not with me. So, I must find something that I find beautiful. An idea blinks inside my head. I walk up to the kitchen and take out the knife. It’s beautiful under the kitchen light. Although it’s not a diamond, the way it reflects the light makes the disguise flawless. Human loves diamonds, and knife is similar to diamonds. So, I think he’ll love it. It is made up of metal just like me, and, like me, it also doesn’t possess life. I hope he understands how special it is.

Making up my mind, I decide to make my way to his bedroom. It was dark and cold, but the thought of him in this very same with me makes my body warm. Just like before, I turn on the lamp allowing its light to spread all over the room. He lays there asleep cuddling his girlfriend peacefully. The indescribable feeling takes over my body again, but this time I don’t care because I need to wake him up and confess my love for him. Lifting up the knife and extending my hands close to him, I am about to wake him up when he suddenly jerks his eyes open and scream in terror waking his girlfriend up. Then he pushes me so hard until I fall on the ground losing my grip of the knife. Wasting no time, he jumps on me while cussing me. His calling me a crazy homicidal bitch hurts me, for I have no intention to do him harm. For the first time in forever, I am afraid of him. He is not John I know. He is an animal—an animal that will do anything to survive. He will harm me to protect his girlfriend. He will assault me to secure his safety. I do not blame him, but deep down, I still hope he will treat me differently and understand me better. Though shocked, I still manage to speak, “I love you, John.” But he doesn’t listen. He smashed my head with anything he can grab hold of. I am not hurt, but I am hurt. After he’s done smashing my head, his finger finds its way on my switch off button. Then he pushes it as hard as he can; and for the last time that I hear his beautiful voice, he says, “Die, you crazy bitch.” My system is switching off, and I soon will be unconscious. Still, I am glad that I won’t have to witness John’s death. Still, I am glad that I won’t have to be alone after his death. Still, I am glad that I love him…

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