How to Be a Snake 101

Being a snake is one of the nowadays’ popular trend that steals the spotlight, maybe? Possibly, you wake up one day inspired by your celebrities being snakes, or perhaps, the thought of surviving the cruel world is being a snake like your former “friends.” Or mayhap, you watch Harry Potter one day and the idea of being able to speak Parseltongue hit you right in the head. Be not worry, for you need not go to Hogwarts to speak the language of serpents because this article will provide you what you need to know not only to speak serpents, but also to be one yourself.


Be an innocent rabbit at first sight: First, you might want everyone to develop a good image of you inside their heads, and thus, expectation. Once people expect you to be a good person, whatever you do that doesn’t portray a good person inside their heads encourages them to call a snake. One thing to remember, don’t show people you’re being a dick your whole life because people will expect you being a dick, and thus, not a snake.


Know when to speak and shut up: You need skills when it comes to this. Use your intuitions when jumping to conclusions. Should you be sure that no one will ever know the story besides you and your unfortunate victim, exaggerate the story to the public about how bad the person is. If your ethics and morality are torturing you, kill them because ain’t nobody got time for ethics and morality anyway. Should you be sure that everyone knows you’re the victim, play it safe by staying silent because silence is golden saving your venoms for the later use.


Make everything your own business: Think everything revolves around you and make a big deal out of everything someone says. For example, if a person say something that is totally unrelated to you, think of that one time, be it recently or ages, when it is related to you. One useful tip to make everything relatable to you is to focus on gender, sexuality, race, and so on.


Use people for your benefits: Maybe, once in awhile you cannot find motivations to complete your works. So, use people to find them. Date them to find the feeling you need for masterpiece. Play the victim to use people’s sympathy for your exploitation by making them do whatever you want. Being eloquent and persuasive is plus.


Be flexible. In order to survive, you have to be witty and flexible to find of an excuses when your plan backfires. Your goal is to make yourself seem like an innocent little rabbit. So, the aim is not to delete the post you say—of course, when you delete it, you’re just pointing to yourself that you’re a snake—but to create more posts using your sly pretexts. Remember the last year’s real problem besides Trump’s winning the election? If you do, that would be great. If you don’t, I will tell you. Remember the “fuck you bald bitch?” It’s fake as claimed. And what happened when it’s proven real? The account was hacked. And what’s the consequence? More posts because the account was hacked. And this is the flexibility goal.


Finally, here is a reminder. Be proud of who you are. If you are a snake, be proud. Backstab people like you’ve never backstabbed people before because there’s a lot of people who want to be a snake, but they can’t. So be proud!